This text was read by OCR from a scanned newsletter and has not been proofread yet, so expect odd characters and mistakes.
TOTARA FLATS CRICKET TOURNAMENT 3-5 MARCH 1995
This inane document was made possible via my workplace, namely MicroHelp, which specialises in selling computers at decent prices with a minimum of hype. Call (04) 576 0401 for particulars - you won't be disappointed, I should know.as I build the things. Don'thit me. Please. Ifit wasn’t for these guys I wouldn’t be on this trip, so they deserve some credit, all right?
So. Moneyed, dolled up to the fours (definitely not the nines), there I am clambering into the Duchess (huh??? I thought she was off the road) after a stress-inducing bus ride through the city streets.
Later: Walls Whare is crawling with campers. (Difference between campers and trampers: tent size). Inorder to prepare ourselves for the rigours of tomorrow, most of us sleep in the Duchess. Jo, however, declines, preferring to sleep under fly rather than with us “girl’s blouses”. I take that as a theoretical measure of my sex appeal. Naughty me.
The track along the Waiohine River to Totara Flats is nice “woofters keep out” stuff. Mud, precipitous drops, steep climbs from stream beds, and so forth. If you don’t mind getting your feet and legs dirty, it’s quite a picturesque walk in places. Just before the flats proper there’s a dirty great big slip that has two routes around it: around the top or around the bottom. It’s a fair slope ‘twixt track and river on the south side of the slip, but the high road is a ’ fair way too. Not that the low road would be viable in flood conditions. The tune for this track is based on the melody of Hitchin’ Song by Wendy House (on the cassette Xanadu or CD Hot Action Plastic. Ask at Solid Air Records; y’ won't be disappointed).
Anyway we got there, and while I and the Duffy mob ensconced ourselves in the hut, everyone else took off _for-a-stand-of-trees-closer to-the-river—The-hut-dunnies—-—may-terrille-boots,-secks,-trackpants, shirt, shorts,-usader- I have been superseded by a couple of new ones, and dogs now have bright blue outdoors accommodations. Whilel was engrossed insuch note-taking, everyone else was preparing the pitch and the volleyball court.
The pitchat Totara Flats needs work to bringit inline with the Basin Reserve as the ground is fairly uneven and the grass is quite long. The ground is rather elastic, causing ‘even the fast bowls to lose much speed; indeed, all of st it. As such, even the NZ team could have had us for breakfast, although the score may have evened out on their turn to bowl, owing to such obstacles as creek beds, rocks, thistles etc.
The match was eventually killed by a call to stoves, where a large mass of beef, veges, and pasta was consumed with alacrity by all, along with the contents of the drinks trolley.
After dinner I wandered back up to the hut and encountered a slow-moving possum. Being slightly fuddled of wit, I chased it and brought the blunt end of an axe to bear thrice upon its nut. (if I had been sober I would've used the sharp end). The ground was too soft for effective bludgeoning, as the next day the little beast had vanished, leaving a few bits and pieces behind. Damn})
The next day had a spot of volleyball before leaving. (Don’t ask me to play; I tend to hit the ball just a tad too violently for the size of the court).
Whilst I travelled the track back, most everyone else struggled down the river. After crossing the second major stream (these two are impassable in flood) I ran into Sue Walsh and friend, who were having a bite of lunch. Oddly enough, ! soon outstripped them on the last stretch - I was the first guy out, as far as I could tell! No other packs near the Duchess; no-one about the river; just some Asian girls getting a rafting instruction (one having to interpret for her mates). Time then to rinse out pants ... indeed at the ungentle urgings of Jo, I get as far as my waist in Waiohine waters before - well, maybe I amtuming into a big girl’s blouse, Jo, but it was hell down there (still is!).
All that aside, ! returned home tolaundry, getting up early, blood sacrifices to Gremlins, frustration, and all the other unspeakable rituals involved in getting a computer ready for market.