This text was read by OCR from a scanned newsletter and has not been proofread yet, so expect odd characters and mistakes.
Captains log: (Jeff youre a strange, sick puppy!) Stardate 24102002. We have made orbit around the planet Labourweekend, and I have decided to beam down to it's icy surface in order to more closely study the dominant life-forms in their natural environment. f i It seems there are two distinct strata of society on this planet; an erganic ‘tongue and meat’ variety, and another, far more ancient group of ‘zimmer and frame’. The latter seem more technologically advanced, having long ago replaced their internal calcium frames with supportive exoskeletons of steel (even some of their equipment transport mechanisms sport external bracing). There must be some animosity between these divisions; the former call the latter by a name denoting the most miserable, wet, windy, grovelly place in their known universe... 'Tararua’. This possibly explains why the make-up of this study group is homogeneously organic. In order to integrate seamlessly into their social structure I have taken the form of a strong, capable and intelligent being, “Jeff". A finer specimen of timeless parallel galactic evolution I have not seen. That is, this host-body seems inclined to spend most of its free time lying parallel to the galaxies above. On first encountering the group I am dismayed. It seems I have made a grave error in choosing ‘Jeff’ as camouflage - his hair is thick and brown, whereas the others sport thinner grey and white, if at all. It is obvious this feature bestows some kind of tax collector status within their society; they soon pay tribute of a ‘billy’ (cooking mechanism), ‘tent’ (portable shelter) and ‘first-aid kit’ (apparently containing nothing of value whatsoever) to me. Strange...these beings appear to have only a basic grasp of the concept of gravity. For instance they intend to walk up one side of a three-dimensional topological feature, (named 'The St Arnuad Range) simply to walk down the other side, thus expending maximum life-energy, yet returning to the exact same gravitational potential state as earlier. I soon master the local language, thanks to the repetitive nature of their conversation. For example "Phew" means ‘the anti-gravity unit in my transport mechanism must be faulty’, "Oomph" means ‘I too remember the days when my hair was thick and brown like Jeffs’ and "f@#$%*g hell’ means ‘my collisionavoidance system is not calibrated for tree-roots’, The social hierarchy, however, is confusing. The way the others refer to 'John' as a ‘country member’ initially led me to an incorrect assumption that he was their paramount leader, whereas it tuned out I had in fact slightly misunderstood their pronunciation. ‘Robert’ was my second choice, as he was often far ahead, However I believe this was due to assistance from biological hydrocarbon emissions. ‘Roger’ then seemed the logical successor; he insisted on military doctrine, and call-signs were soon assigned by him to the group for communication purposes, However I jater found out he takes orders from some kind of ‘higher being’. This could therefore only be ‘Eric’, who is somewhat taller than everyone else. Fascinating...it turns out that this expedition is in fact some kind of initiation ceremony, welcoming the Being ‘John’ back to the folds of the 'Tramper’ clan. He has apparently tried unsuccessfully to attain the higher caste of ‘Alpine’, but was rejected. I shall have to study this one more closely and ascertain why. On the first night of the initiation they spoke of securing shelter from the localized atmospheric disturbances under the protection of some kind of ‘field’. My interest grew when mention of it was prefixed with the word 'Rainbow’, their primitive word describing continuous spectral emission of visible electromagnetic radiation. Perhaps they are further advanced than I thought? This 'Ski-Field’ warrants further investigation. Sure enough, the site is ringed with an array of giant towers, which obviously form the basis of some kind of matter transportation system. They talk in hushed tones of the old days, when passengers were transported against this planet's gravity and then released with sufficient energy potential to ‘really fly’. Unfortunately it now appears to be abandoned; further dialog confirms that it has not been operational since the end of the most recent ice age. We find shelter amongst the abandoned buildings, in which some of the old machinery still resides. They are particularly exited by the discovery of an ‘electric heater’, but soon discover that it’s ancient power source is no longer functional, It is at this point that I discover something humbling. Despite their backward ways and primitive grasp of the laws of the universe, they too suffer from an exact same malaise that we of the advanced
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universe do; the terrible repercussions from two competing factions, two incontrovertible truths, and yet only one true path. Namely, Rice Dogma. One faction wished to boil the Di-Hydrogen Oxide medium furiously, in the hope to attain maximum molecular softening of the rice in the minimum of time. The others preferred to attain a state of relaxed thermal equilibrium in which albedo is minimized. I voiced my favoring of the dilithium crystal/warp field containment method, which was nearly my undoing; it seems they are still millennia away from this kind of technology. In order to maintain the prime directive of non-interference I was forced to mind-meld with them to erase this potentially destabilizing knowledge. Unfortunately during this merge I discovered many disturbing facts about their private lives; facts best not divulged here (instead, watch for an up & coming expose on the Uranus channel). I spent a sleepless night amongst them. The following planetary revolution was spent in much the same manner as before. I spent much of the time gaining a deeper insight into the peculiar behavior of the being ‘John’. I conclude that he is in fact some kind of ‘Anti-Vulcan’; his actions seemed to be highly illogical. For instance, he would often peer at us through some kind of rudimentary telescope, even as we approached to within microns. He would continue to observe as we got further and further ahead, leaving him parsecs behind, Perhaps in his youth he could travel faster than the speed of light, and in doing so make up the time we spent waiting for him; however obviously not so in his present. At one stage he took off his opposable-digit appendage insulation in order to better manipulate this telescope. When he finally rejoined the group he was without said insulation, and voiced an optimistic hope that they were stowed within the confines of his equipment transport mechanism. The rest of the group did not share this optimism; apparently the previous loss of insulation during his time amongst the ‘Alpinists’ was one of the reasons for his banishment from that clan, Even if he was correct, (which he was not) the others knew that entire galactic empires have crumbled to dust in the time that it takes him to deploy and return items to his equipment transport mechanism. My finding that he may also be able to receive telepathic communications backs this ‘Anti-Vulcan’ hypothesis. For example, others would often express a desire to ‘ga to the John’, even while standing within audio & visual communicator range of him. They would then proceed to walk out of this range, and crouch down. At first I was unsure whether this explanation of telepathy was valid, however after covertly observing several of the party I am satisfied that I am correct; they appear to be concentrating harder than I thought humanly possible. As the incident radiation from the local star faded we found ourselves at the junction of the Arnst & Travers hydrological flows, a suitable place to fulfil our primary objective - ‘bonding’ around a ‘camp-fire’. Much was said, and I expect just as much would have been left unsaid had ‘Roger’ not been present. The party was then segregated into two separate factions for hibernation purposes, At first I was concerned to find I was sharing quarters with the itlogical one, however his usefulness soon became apparent once his hydrocarbon emission system kicked in. I now understand why this planet has such a marked greenhouse effect. The following planetary revolution was spent proceeding down the Travers hydrological feature to one of their galactic outposts - ‘Lake Head Hut’. From there we continued up the side of a vast lake of Di- Hydrogen Oxide to the very place we had initially departed from - 'St Arnaud’. It was clear by this time that my cover was well and truly blown - they kept asking when I would be beaming up to the Mothership. So to avoid further contamination to their fragile social organisation I returned the host body to it's native control and did just that. From orbit, I marveled at just how much they had accomplished with their feeble organic bodies. I was astonished that despite obvious discomfort they still choose to forswear the undoubtedly superior technological advantage enjoyed by their contemporaries, the Tararuas. It then dawned on me that they truly are the mightier of the two species. End transmission
Native lifeforms: John Rhodes, Roger Bolam, Eric Blumhardt, Robert Cross (From another planet: Jeff Weir)