This text was read by OCR from a scanned newsletter and has not been proofread yet, so expect odd characters and mistakes.
Written by Margaret Craigie Photos by Clinton Hunter
Cast: Margaret Craigie (aka Xena, Warrior Princess) Gerald Dreaver (aka Hero, Guy, The Evil One) Catherine Dymock (aka Psychic) Veronica Mansfield (Chief Minion) Barbara Keenan, Clinton Hunter, Stijn Schepers (Supporting Minions)
Scene: This was our heroine's first overnight trip as Leader in Charge, Responsible for People’s Lives. Co-leader Gerald was coming along to assess ability / appropriateness for the role and the ‘just in case” factor etc. The pressure was on...
I was about 5 minutes late for the club meeting on the Wednesday leading up to the trip, so I decided to run. In the event, I pulled my (right) calf muscle. Not quite what I had planned for my first trip. Fortunately, I was Xena, Warrior Princess and this was just a flesh wound.
Indeed, I needn’t have worried. Despite four (out of my last six) trips into the area resulting in thunderstorms, and although slightly nervous, I was generally optimistic. I could feel my calf biting on the uphill stretches, but I wasn’t hindering anyone. We stopped for a bite to eat, studied maps, and, after a tale or two, got to know each other a little better. Trundling along, the sun shone brightly, the birds were twittering and the wind was blowing in my hair. I decided that I required a little more of a challenge, so rolled my (left) ankie. (Did anyone spot my deliberate mistake...?) Not really what I had planned for my first trip, but fortunately, Gerald’s ‘just in case” talents are brilliant when required. I grudgingly submitted to his tender mercies - he had chocolate, as well as bandages - (my Hero!) and we had an unscheduled stop to elevate my foot. A tale or two later, I got bored and so we continued on.
Fortunately, I was Xena, Warrior Princess, and all I had was a couple of flesh wounds. I wasn’t dragging the chain (or people were too polite to say) and we made it to the river where I could cool off my foot to keep down the swelling. The next day proved things to be rather colourful and swollen, but in the meantime, I was coping well.
We arrived at Paua Hut. Without consultation, the others put the kettle on and demoted me from Trip Leader to Tea-maker. They all went outside to enjoy the sunshine and left me to nurse my injuries and look after the refreshments. I put my foot up and waited. Eventually, the kettle sang. (For those who have not been to Paua Hut, the “stove” is comprised of a gas cylinder with a tube leading up to the elements.) I hobbled over to turn the kettle off. (If you haven’t already guessed, I am about to turn the handle the wrong way...)
I turned the handle the wrong way. I was not, at this stage, perturbed by the fact that there were still flames coming out of the element. When I tum off my primus, there is a short delay while the fuel runs out, and then it sputters and dies. However, I could not feel the resistance of the “off” position, so kept turning the handle...
until it came right off.
Success!
The kettle immediately stopped singing as the flames were no longer coming out of the element. I did, however, feel that there might have been a slight technical glitch in the process as I now had flames billowing 2-3 feet into the hut, blow-torch fashion, from where the handle used to be.
“Golly”, said I, out loud. It wasn’t quite what I had planned for my first trip, but sometimes, you just have to go with the flow.
When faced with a crisis, your mind has as many thoughts as possible in a very short space of time. This is presumably in the hope that at least one of them might save your skin. There is neither logic nor pattern to type of thought that enters your mind. (Just like a normal day, really, just compressed into a few seconds.) Anything might work.
Thought 1) How the hell do I hide this? Thought 2) There goes my 5-star rating as a trip leader. Thought 3) Mum! Thought 4) Turn the flames off at the cylinder. (Dismissed immediately as it involved putting my head directly into the line of fire for several seconds.) Thought 5) Don't try this at home. (Only ever out in the bush where emergency services are available AFTER the hut and most of the forest is burned down.) Thought 6a) Put the handle back on with bare hand. (Dismissed immediately.) Thought 6b) Put the handle back on with a covered hand. (Stored for possible use.)
With a potential course of action, I was now able to think slightly clearer. 1! thought hard about the bushcraft course that I had done approximately a year earlier (given by the Chief Guide, no less) and racked my brains. I recalled information about hypothermia, navigation, injuries and first aid, weather systems... Absolutely nothing about blazing infernos. None the less, she had given me a few encouraging words of having “complete faith” in me just that morning. I thought about the day-trip I had done a week prior, with the Vice President. I recalled information about hypothermia, navigation, personalities, injuries and first aid... Blazing infernos? Blank, yet again. Still, sne had told me that she thought I'd be “just fine’.
I thought about the things that my co-leader had told me. I recalled information about food and women. Blazing infernos? Zip.
Obviously, this was a job for Xena, Warrior Princess. The first thing I would have to do (after the immediate mess) was to write a letter to the Committee to compiain about the quality of the current leadership...1 was just about to use my polar fleece (incredibly flammable, and about the worst material on offer — it melts to the skin) as a cover for my hand when Catherine, the Psychic, walked in. Without a word, she realised that something was not quite right. She suggested that she look for a gas-tap outside and tum things off from there. Using my newly found leadership skills, I weighed the pros and cons carefully. After agonising for all of a nanosecond, I gave her my conclusion that yes, this was perhaps the best idea on offer thus far.
Catherine disappeared for an eternity and I was left alone, once again, contemplating the beauty of the dancing flames in horrified fascination. Weeks later, she reappeared to give me the benefit of her newly acquired knowledge. If the gas-tap existed, she couldn't find it.
I donned my polar fleece, glove like, grasped the handle, and approached the fire. Moving quickly, I screwed the handle back into place. I didn’t even singe the polar fleece. Ignorance is bliss. The kettle was singing again, and I turned the element off in the correct direction. I really don’t know what all the bother was about...
But wait! There’s more.... I shall skip forward in time. We have had dinner and are sharing a tale or two, waiting for dessert to heat up. Gerald decides that the lid is on upside-down, and gives a lovely demonstration of how to use a pot-holder, and tums the lid the correct way up. After a while, the coconut cream boils over. I happened to be closest to the unfolding disaster. With great presence of mind, I leaped out of seat and hobbled over to grab the pot-holder, staring at it intently for a second. Meantime, Gerald comes rushing over, flicks the lid off with his bare hand and saves the day. (What a Guy!) I was standing there looking a complete idiot with the now useless potholder still in my hands. To save face for poor Gerald (he obviously hadn't instructed us well enough on how to use it) I asked him to show us again. (Well, it seemed funny at the time.)
The Evil One’s trap was set. I trusted my co-leader completely.
We all sat down again, and resumed story telling. After a time, we headed to bed and for the benefit of Stijn, came up with an alphabet of swear-words. Afterwards, the Chief Guide came to say “Hello”. As I was not yet ready to share my excitement of the day with an “outsider’, I showed her the door as quickly as I could. (Hang, the whole day could have been a deliberate set-up, by the Chief Guide herself, to test trip leaders in real-life scenarios.)
— And so, to the Sunday morning. I was first out of bed and hobbled over to the stove. I read all the instructions very carefully, and made a cup of tea without incident. (if all else fails, read the manual. It’s amazing how it can help!) We agreed that departure time would be 10 o’clock and had a leisurely get-up and breakfast. 9.30am found me playing cards. I won my hand (it would take a few minutes before the others would finish), and wandered outside to see what the remainder of the group were up tc. At this point, I noted that we were one tramper short. I guessed that Veronica had simply gone to the loo, or found a quiet spot, or something similar, but I checked my watch in case (now 9.40am) and asked the others if they had seen her. They had not. I wandered back inside.
Veronica came back, but met Gerald.
“O Minion”, sayeth The Evil One, “Go and hide thyself so that I may see Margaret operating under stress.”
Veronica obeyed The Command. Gerald then let the rest of the group in on the joke, apart (of course!) from me. (To give Gerald the benefit of the doubt, I am assuming that all new trip leaders get tested in a similar fashion, to see how they would cope.)
After a few minutes, The Evil One approaches me, and informs me that Veronica is still missing. Little did he know that I was in the fortunate position of having had an actual experience of a missing tramper (for 5 hours) in atrocious weather conditions. That time I played Scrabble, read a book, and chatted. (I got a 7-letter word on my first turn (visages), and the other tramper wouldn't let me have it! Next time I'll take a dictionary — not that I'm competitive at all.)
This time I didn’t have a Scrabble-set or a book, but I did inform The Evil One that I regarded my full bladder as a higher priority than any temporarily geographically confused person...
Having sorted my ablutions, in the back of my mind was that even if we were walking out, or whether it was a case of Search And Rescue, either way, I was going to have to be ready for a day’s walk in the bush. I was happily packing the final things into my pack when The Evil One walked in to inform me yet again that Veronica had still not made a showing. “Righto!”, said I, quite cheerily.
ld got to the point where I was putting on my boots, when The Evil One informed me he would check the river. (He was evidently telling Veronica that I wasn’t nearly stressed enough, and that she would have to hide for longer. He gave her a magazine to read.)
On his return, The Evil One (having still not found her) asked whether we should do the Search And Rescue thing. I considered this, and to calm his obvious fears, decided that I should at least pretend to be concerned. I asked if anyone had checked the Bushcraft group to see if Veronica was there. Two Supporting Minions went across and checked. No, no-one had seen Veronica. At 9.58am, The Evil One judged that I was under enough stress and “found” his Minion. I was just about to praise him for his people-finding skills (when no-one else could), when he revealed his Master plan.
I had a couple of quiet words with my co-leader, and then we all went home.